just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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