i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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