how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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