This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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