I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
