Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Randomize
