so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
