Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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