I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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