He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He better not be in your backpack
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He has the fingertips of a God
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
