Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
