Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
