Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
