I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
