I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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