if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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