If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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