my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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