Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
