ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
