Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
