I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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