At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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