In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize