Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
