Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
