You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I need to sanitize my soul.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
