If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
