Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
