a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
MIDGETS
????
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
