why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
