I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
