I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
foreskin is a definite game changer
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
