he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
