I think I died a long time ago.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
