My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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