Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
