I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize