I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
