I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
