I am puke
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
