I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
