were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
