I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
