He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
