first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize