It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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