Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
