im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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