Will you blow on my dice?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
