My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
