I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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