My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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