last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
4 words: hood of his car
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
