how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
