why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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