I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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