my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize