I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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