I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
