I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
