I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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