if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize