OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
