so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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